Post Partum

So, I'm nearing my due date, well, one of my due dates.  I'm still not convinced that November 16th was accurate.  Anyway, as my baby approaches three weeks on my due date, I have a lot going through my mind.

Let me back up a little bit.  After Dr. Dixon pushed my due date up to the 16th officially, I was soooo thrilled we would be meeting our little man a week earlier.  I was also thrilled to be out of the hospital a week earlier and to be getting rid of the nausea a week earlier.  After the first week there, my doctor, Dr. Price, was out of town for a whole week.  Dr. Dixon ordered a second 24-hour urine test, to check the protein levels, and essentially, the preeclampsia.  I did that on a Sunday, and Monday morning Dr. McKinnie came in to see me.  She said everything looked good with my labs and that we would induce that Thursday night or Friday morning. 

I was sooo excited.  We would get to meet our little man that week!  Wednesday, Dr. Dixon was on-call.  He told me my preeclampsia was gone and that normally the goal for someone with high blood pressure and no preeclampsia would be to make it to 38 weeks.  He explained that an extra week would be better to reduce the risk of the NICU and that it might just be better for the baby all around.  He understood, however, that another week in the hospital would be hard for my mental health, and he knew I already had it in my mind that I was going to be induced that week, so he said we would go forward with that.  Dr. McAlpine basically said the same the next day.  He did say that induction could take days and if we waited another week, my blood pressure could worsen and we may not have the time to deal with a long induction, putting me at risk for a c-section. 

Jesse and I prayed about it, of course, and we stuck with the 37-week delivery.  I wanted so badly to ask Dr. Price her opinion.  I trust her and would've done whatever she thought was best, but I also really wanted to get the baby out.  I was lonely in that hospital!

I won't go into detail about the delivery again, but obviously, my baby spent the first 16 hours of his life in the NICU.  He also had pretty bad jaundice that we ended up having to treat at home with the bili blanket.  That was really hard on me.  The doctor had us supplement with formula to help get the bilirubin out of his body.  The poor kid can't nurse properly because of his early birth and time spent drinking formula from a bottle that made it way too easy for him to just chomp down and get the formula. 

Anyway, with all that said, I felt a lot of guilt.  I felt so much guilt after we got home because I wanted to induce at 37 weeks.  I could've gone one more week or even a few more days, since my health wasn't as much at risk anymore.  I could've waited and talked to Dr. Price.  She was back 3 days after Nathaniel was born.  Maybe she could've delivered him.  Maybe he wouldn't have been sunny-side up a week later and my whole experience wouldn't have been so painful.  Maybe we wouldn't have had to get him out with the vacuum, causing me a lot of injury, as well as leading to Nathaniel's jaundice from the bruising.  Maybe he wouldn't have gone to the NICU and he would've spent his first night with me.  Maybe he would've been able to breast feed because he would've been more developed and wouldn't have had the bottle first.

All of these thoughts plagued me every second of every day.  I wouldn't call it depression, but I was also just having a hard time being home.  I had this strange desire to go back to the hospital.  Back before he was born, when I was just living there and hoping to go home soon.  Jesse went back to work right away once we were home, and I was afraid to take care of Nathaniel alone.  For the first couple days in the hospital, Jesse did everything for him until I recovered enough to help out.

Jesse told me so many times that none of this is my fault.  Nathaniel was born when he was supposed to be born.  I knew he was right, but I still struggle with some of these thoughts every time I try to nurse Nathaniel and he can't do it right.  I plan on sticking with it and going to see the lactation consultants, but it's still hard to think that maybe he would be a nursing champ if I hadn't been so impatient.  Jesse gave me a blessing and let me know that everything is as it should be.  This is just one of our trials, and I'm working through it.  Nathaniel is doing much better now.  His jaundice is almost entirely out of his face and he is gaining weight and eating like crazy. 

Also, even though I struggled so much with pregnancy, I kind of really miss being pregnant!  I know I was soooo ready to be done, but I still miss my round belly and those little baby kicks.  Now he just kicks me in real life. haha

Okay, enough with the bummer stuff.  I am so happy to have my little man here, safe and happy.  He is the sweetest little baby ever and he cracks me up all the time with his crazy facial expressions.  Also, I'm pretty sure he tried to roll over the other day.  And during tummy time yesterday he pretty much pushed himself off the mat and onto the carpet.  He may be crawling soon... haha.  I think we have a smart one on our hands!

Here are a few cute pictures of him to liven up this post.